Short and Sweet

Well, maybe not soooo sweet. Spoke with G last night (as always). The conversation was nice (as always). Anywho...G won't be able to make it up (keep your mind out of the gutter) next weekend - he is singing in church that Sunday. Dang! DD is supposed to sing in church this Sunday as well. But, DD has also made plans to sleep over her BFF (one of a cast of thousands!) this Saturday, so I don't know how all this will play out. Hmmm...perhaps (as I twirl my Snidley Whiplash mustach) I could make a solo run down to see G since BFF has invited DD to come over around noon on Saturday. Could HB work this to her advantage? Will HB get a little summer lovin'? Tune in tomorrow as the stomach turns! [cue organ music] [fade to black}

HB

Who is #3?

Well, Joel Siegel (the entertainment reporter on ABC) died on Friday. Beverly Sills (the wonderful opera star from Brooklyn) dies yesterday. You know celebrity deaths always come in groups of 3. So, who will be #3?

Monday Morning Quarterback

Well, okay, it is Tuesday and it is evening. But the thought was there. No really, it was! I actually typed up a whole new post yesterday and then *POOF!* my Internet connection went belly-up and I lost the whole post (so, remind me again - why is FIOS so great?). Well, I only had 2 choices - throw the whole kit and caboodle out the window or get up, walk it off and start again later. Well, either I'm typing on what's left of my computer on the ground below my window or I got up (you decide).

So, I wanted to update you on my weekend with G. DD and I drove down on Saturday. The aim was to leave by 11:30 AM, but, well, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions as they say. Actually, what jacked us up was having to stop by Mom's rehab facility and drop off more clothes. It really was my fault - I forgot to check on her clothes situation when we visited on Friday. So, there we are on Saturday running what seemed like a thousand errands before we could actually get started. But off we got - about 1/2 hour late - on the road again (just can't wait to get on the road again - thanks Willie!).

Sigh...got caught in bad traffic. 301 was really jammed up - there was a tractor trailer that had broken down. It took the better part of an hour just to travel 10 miles. And then, wouldn't you know it, just as we get up to the truck, the tow truck whisks it away. Well, then off we go again. Driving wasn't too bad after that.

G calls me to check on our progress. Since we are running late, he suggests that we meet at the part since we need to pass it on the way to his house anyway. Well, of course I say no way 'cause that is interfering with my original plans! Let it never be said that HB lets common sense get in the way of her plans! Will I ever learn (stop shaking your head!). Well, I then had a little argument with G in my head and he won (see, I can't even win an an argument that's going on in my very own noggin!). I called G back and told him we would meet him in the park.

We hook up in the parking lot ('cause G has the tickets) and in we go. We all had a great time. Then the girls and I changed into swimsuits and hit some of the water rides while G snoozed and watched our stuff. Then, I let the girls go off by themselves and G and I sat and relaxed. Out of the blue, I ask G if he would want more kids (beware of the out-of-the-blue questions!!! They can be lethal). He said he wasn't really sure. We are both getting to the age where having another child has to be weighed against retirement age. Actually, his answer was well reasoned and not based purely on emotion. I liked that.

I then asked him my burning question - what is he looking for in a relationship? He answered that he is looking for love and marriage. He doesn't want to grow old alone. Me likey that answer even more!

We eventually made our way back to G's house. The girls ran upstairs to play and G and I stayed downstairs to watch TV and - yes - swap a little spit. We were both too tired to really get hot and heavy. However, when it came time for bed, that didn't stop him from offering his bedroom for the night. I (and I can't believe I did this) said no. HB gets bonus points for that, surely!

Sunday morning comes around and G knocks on my bedroom door and suggests that we all go out to break the fast. I pop up, throw on my robe and clean up (yeppers, I look like Alfalfa with my hair sticking straight up in the air). Then, I went into G's room and sat on his bed. Was this a mistake? I don't think so, at least not up to that point. G was back under the covers and I sat on top with my back to the foot of the bed. We chatted for awhile. Then, some how (and I'm still trying to remember how I got into this position, I wound up laying next to him, with our faces inches apart. I know it started with a foot rub, but its all hazy after that. Anyway, we started kissing (nice), then stroking (very nice), then fondling (uhm, wait a minute). Seems like I'm about to go down that very road I was trying to avoid.

G asks if I locked the door but I didn't. See God really does look out for fools and little kids (and I'm definitely a little of both!). We were both physically ready - he was hard as a rock and I was a wet as Niagara falls. But, my heart just wasn't in it yet. What is happening to me? Am I finally growing up at the tender age of *mxosm@#"? So, we parted ways and went to take our respective (cold) showers. The rest of the morning was nice - breakfast, chatting, church. The girls got along really great (which is nice). Then, DD and I drove home.

Red flag - the only one right now is an old one with G - he's been married 2x already. Why? That's a question I need to ask him at some point.

We've planned for the 2 of them to come stay with us weekend after next. I hate the thought of having to wait so long to see him. One - 'cause it would be nice to see him more often. And two - 'cause I wonder if its putting an unnatural sheen on the relationship. You know, you're so happy to be together that you don't run through the natural process of arguing and noticing the things that tick you off (not that I ever let that get in the way before!).

Good flags - he wants to marry. he's not sure about having kids.

So, the question of sleeping arrangements for the upcoming weekend. Well, you know I've been cleaning my room like mad! Its a complete wreck. We moved to this house about a year ago, but with all of the renovations and getting the rest of the house together, I haven't even touched my room. it is still full of boxes and extraneous flotsam and jetsam. So, yes, I'm cleaning because in the back of my mind there is the possibility of the sharing of the bed. Am I there yet? Meaning, am I ready yet? I don't know. This has never been a question that I've asked myself. I know that I want this to be more than just a screw or sex. And, its not making love. You have to be in love to make love (sounds like a bad T-shirt slogan). I want more than just sex - that's what you have with someone you just met in the bar and you think he's cute. I definitely don't want a screw (that's what you have when you don't even leave the bar). Can you make really, really, really like (you now, the intercourse you have before you fall madly in love)? Is there such a thing? I really do like him. I just don't want to screw (heh heh) this up.

So, here I sit, taking a break from emptying boxes in my bedroom. You know what? I miss him. I really do. But, that scares me. I'm not sure if I can handle that type of feeling. Hey, what is that big "L" doing on my forehead?

Those Democrats and Me

Just wanted to remember that precious statement that that little Dennis Kucinich said last night during a Democratic debate at Howard. They were talking about the recent Supreme Court decision to basically castrate Brown v. Board. Cutie-pie Dennis then said "They say pull yourself up by your bootstraps...and then they steal your boots." Just love that quote! Don't really get cutie-pie Dennis, but I do love that quote.

I'm still mulling over this decision. I can't really make up my mind. I hate the thought behind it, but I'm not sure if Brown really achieved what everyone hoped it would. There's got to be some solution to the education gap. Sigh...

Thank Gawd its Friday!!!!

Well, Friday is here and all systems are a go. What do I mean by that? Well, DD and I are going down to visit G and his daughter tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to seeing him. Of course, now I'm getting a little bit of the jitters but that's to be expected.

I can see that this is going to be a fight. Not with G, but with myself. Already, on the phone I almost said "I love you." Whaaaat? Why would that even pop up in my mind? 'Cause I'm starting to fall back into old behaviors, trying to rush this into an emotionally intimate relationship when we are not anywhere near that yet. I guess my question is (and always has been) when are you there? Do you know, do you guess, or do you never really know but just assume (which of course always brings up that scene from 'The Odd Couple')?

I've already talked with myself (at least I'm never lonely!) about the no sex policy. This weekend is just not right, for many reasons. I'm not ready. I don't want this to be about scratching an itch. We are not there yet. Our daughters are right down the hall. Its a mistake I've commited many (many!) times in the past and one that I don't want to repeat now. I want to give this connection a real fighting chance, and I can't do that if I just hop into bed with him. I feel strangely impowered by this decision. I just hope that my brain will function when the time comes to make my stand (or will it be like Custer?).

Oh, and by the by, my boss is a bitch. Yep, I said it. She is one major bee-yatch!! A was always telling me about the run ins she has had with boss lady, but I always sort of discounted them 'cause of A's, uhm, shall we say...intensity? But, yesterday, after month 2 of having problems with the laptop and having OIT do some stupidness that never led to any satisfactory conclusion, I asked for boss lady's help. What did she say? Well you need to call RG in OIT. D'uh! Already did that. I ask her is there is someone she can call to help me get this straightened out. It was like watching Werewolf in London and The Exorcist all in one. Her head spun around, then she sprouted fangs and an oddly lupine face and then she power washed me with green pea soup! Bascially, she said that it was all on me and that she wouldn't help me. I was so angry, but it was that powerless anger because I couldn't do anything or say anything since she is the boss lady. Then, of course, I get that stupid prickle behind the eyes. Yeppers! the angry tears were threatening. Ugh! I did everything to stop them and I was successful. However, if anyone had stopped me to talk, I think the flood dam would have broken!

But, that's all in the past. And...today is Friday and I get to see G tomorrow, so, at least for right now, everything is cool.

Best laid plans...

Well, I had the 1st date with G last night, but, well, it didn't go exactly as planned. G drove up with his 10 yo DD and his 18 yo DS was supposed to babysit while we went out. However, DS did a disappearing act so that kinda put the kabosh (kibosh?) on the planned events. Well, we decided to go out anyway, just with a 10 yo chaperone....

It worked out just great. We had a great dinner at Legal Seafoods. His DD is just lovely and very easy to talk with. Afterwards, we went back to their hotel room. DD went into the bedroom to watch TV and we sat in the living room to chat. And, chat was all we could do, 'cause out chaperone kept finding excuses to walk through the living room or pass by the door. It just cracked me up! I did get around to asking G about his dating adventures during the past 5 years. He says that he dated a little, but nothing serious (of course, one person's not serious is another person's almost trip to the altar!). One relationship he described was particularly telling. He dated a woman starting in November. By February, she was asking to swap house and car keys, which totally freaked him out. He said it was too soon to get that involved. I responded that it really just depends on the relationship - time is the key, its how the 2 people feel about each other. He seemed to take that well.

He gave me a foot massage! Whoo-hoo! That's definately worth the price of admission.

We were both nodding off, so I eventually took my leave. As we were walking down the hall, he grabbed my hand and gave it a little smooch. Once we got outside, the real smooching began. It was pretty intense. We both laughed that we felt like 2 HS kids trying to make out before Dad turns the porch light on. As an aside - when i was young, I never could have imagined that people in their 40's could/would act this way. Just goes to prove what Satchel Page says - age ain't nothing but a number.

Well, eventually, I drive off. The drive home was nice 'cause it gave me time to review the evening's events. Overall, I was very happy with the evening and pleased with myself. Not that I even had the option to "Just say no!" with our chaperone in the next room. But, it didn't even run through my mind (sex, that is!).

Now, next weekend, my DD and I may be going down to visit them and go to a nearby amusement park. That will be the true test. But, I've already told myself that I am still not ready and I'm not. I want to wait. Hmmmm....seems like HB is finally starting to grow up (about time, since I'm 46 yo!). My goal for this relationship - just enjoy. Don't anticipate, don't analyze (too much!), don't fret, don't try to rush things - just enjoy. We'll see how well that works out!

Late Nite Musings

Okay, I heard a news story on the radio about the 9 (?) firemen that died in the fire in NC. Such a sadness. But, here is the part I don't understand. Michael Certoff, head of the Dept of Homeland Security, is there as the president's rep? Uhm...huh? Why is the president sending a rep to this service? Here we have a president that won't even acknowledge the thousands of deaths that he caused by sending our men and women (and even our boys and girls - 'cause let's face it, some of them are very young) to fight in his war in Iraq. He never sends a rep to any of those services. He won't even allow pictures of the coffins returning home.

Anytime someone dies, its a sadness and I don't mean to deny the great loss and terrific heroism of those NC firefighters. I guess I just don't understand how Dubuyah can look himself in the mirror and justify such a disparity in treatment. Or, perhaps, its not that I don't understand - its that it absolutely frightens me that we have someone in office that can do something like that without batting an eye.

HB

It's a Mad Mad Mad World

Today was absolutely crazy. My DD has been working on a wierd rash on her hip. We went to the pediatrician today - turns out she has developed ring worm. Sounds nasty. I always assumed that, yes, there would be worms involved. Go figure...ya know, ring worm...but nopers. Its just a fungus, similar to the one with Athletes foot. Simple cream for about 2 weeks and its supposed to do a vanishing act.

Anyway, DD didn't want to miss too much camp (she's doing cheerleading right now), so I had to drop her off to camp for about 1 1/2 hours, then come back, pick her up, race over to her doctors office, race back to camp in time to make lunch, run over to visit Mom in the hospital then, what else was there, oh yeah that little thing called WORK!

Anyway, with all of that driving, it did give me time for contemplation. Ok, not quiet contemplation (there is no such creature on the DC Beltway!), but I was thinking (ha, ha - yeah, that is a dangerous activity for me). Well, I realized that I tend to jump into bed with guys so quickly because I just want to move beyond the initial dating thing and create a relationship. OK, I didn't say it was rational thinking, its just what I think my little pea brain is thinking way back in the cobwebbed rafters. Well, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Ever since I started having sex, its been kinda non-stop. I frankly can't remember how many guys I've slept with. With all of that craziness, I consider myself truly lucky to have never picked up some disease or been physically abused. But, anyways (thanks Mrs. Curtis!), during my last visit with my therapist (shrink? brain massager?), she said it sounded like I was addicted to sex. It makes sense. I said sex to me was like setting a big ol' bowl of salty, tasty potato chips in front of me. I just have to have one. Well, if a guy offers sex (and let's face it, what guy doesn't?) I just have to say yes.

Hello, my name is HB and I'm a sex addict
Hi HB

Well, I asked my therapist how do you get past this and she said just acknowledging it is the major hurdle. Unfortunately, I've never been good at hurdles (can't I just sit down?). I'll work on it.

So, to this end, I decided to just be upfront with G on Saturday. When the time is appropriate, I'm going to tell him that I need to wait. Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to break out in a cold sweat and my hands will shake as I turn down sex? But, I'm gonna do this because its the right thing for me. Its kinda like going on a sex diet. It won't be forever, but at least I'll respect myself in the morning ("But will you love me tomorrow?").

Oops, gotta run...DD is in the tub. More later (if I stay awake and stop playing with my new smilies!)

HB

Midnight quickie

Whew, that man has the sexiest phone voice. Sometimes, I just sit and listen to him as he's chattering on. Then, I realize that I didn't really hear what he was saying! I know, kinda school girl crushy. Meh! What do you want? I can only grow up so far so fast. Gimme a break (quick, who starred in that really awful sitcom?).

I told him I am looking forward to seeing him this Saturday. I'm actually surprised that I'm looking forward to it. Not really sure why I'm surprised, but surprised I am (Sam I am - so where's my green eggs and ham?). Hmmmmm....something to ponder.

HB

A little sweetener

Okay, a spare moment during lunch. As I said in my previous post, I'm blogging to get some insight into my madness. To that end, I wanted to start with my current prospect - G.

G and I dated about 5 years ago. He has a daughter a year older than mine and a son that is now graduating from HS. We first met on one of the online dating machines, uhm, I mean services. We e-mailed and phoned for a few weeks before we actually set eyes on each other.

Just a side note...they don't do that anymore. One wink and they want to wisk you off for some weekend roll in the hay. Well, okay, its not THAT quick, but there isn't much interest in e-mails or calls anymore. In some ways, that's cool - you can really size someone up quickly face-to-face. On the other hand, getting to know someone over the phone saves me from wasting time with some of the strange ones I've met over the years (but, we'll get to that later. I'm such a tease!)

Well, anyway, G decided, way back in the day, to take me out for brunch. When I arrived he had some beautiful roses for me. Well, that set the tone for our relationship and all was, ahem, rosy (insert eye roll) for a while. Unfortunately, at the time the company G worked for was having massive troubles and eventually broke up. This was obviously a stresser on him. I say this because I felt that he was drifting away from me and I attributed it to work problems. But, it seems that the drift became more and more pronounced (Tokyo Drift? Hmmm, nope, just a regular one). I began to wonder if he was seeing someone else and eventually, I began to drift away as well. There was never any grand blow-up, just a slow parting of the ways.

Well, Marty McFly, time jump to 2007. I'm back in the online dating machine - dang! I mean the online dating service (Match.com) and who sends me an e-mail? Well, if I have to tell you, you haven't really been paying attention. But to those with ADD - G sent me an e-mail. He told me I was looking good and asked me to write back. I said, hey, why not! I had just broken up (badly) with a jerk (D - mucho more on him later) and it was nice to be asked. So, write back I did. We've been phoning each other regularly - usually after kiddies are in bed around 9:30 or so. Its been great so far. But, as we all know, the phone part is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy (as my daughter would say).

We are set to get together this Saturday. He is driving up to meet me and what we do I left up to him to decide. Choices are late lunch, movie, museum or lunch at the restaurant where we first had brunch (is that too cheesy? can't decide).

With G, I am trying new things for me. First, no jumping into sex (tumbles in the hay, rumbles in the jungle, beast with 2 backs, etc) until I get a better clue as to what he is in this for. Is it just booty calls (although, he lives a little too far away for this to be a legitimate booty call relationship) or is he looking for more? He said that he was sorry he let me drift away. I did tell him why (thinking he was seeing someone else). He explained that actually, his eldest sister was dieing. They were very close and it was hard on him. Of course, this begs the question, why didn't he say something then? I didn't ask him this 'cause that just seems like more of an acusation than a real question.

He mentioned the other night that he was speaking with his brother and told his brother that he would consider moving back up this way because of me. My inner me (mini-me???) said 'whoa, Nelli!' that's going a little (okay, a LOT) to fast and far. The outie me said 'uh-huh'. Real good repartee, wouldn't you agree. I think it must be great to have a script writer to help me come up with witty, pithy replies rather than the cave-woman speak I sometimes fall into (I'll have to look into that, right after I look into how to become an astronaut).

Where is this going? Who knows (although, perhaps Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network might!). I am trying NOT to approach this as I always do - is he the one? I've come to realize that that puts waaaaay too much pressure on me to not address the red flags that pop up and to stay with someone longer than I should.

Well, gotta jet. More (oh, so much more) later....

HB

Pop goes the cherry!

Well, this is my very 1st blog, my very 1st post and my very 1st foray into trying to figure out the method to my madness. So, what is that popping sound? My cherry, of course!

What are my stats?

I'm 46 years old - check
I'm an attorney - check
I have a 9 year-old daughter - check
I am caring for my aging mother - check (well, as much of a pain in the butt as she can be at times, perhaps this deserves a double check!)
I'm full into the dating scene - check

Why did I decide to do it this way?
Just 'cause I figured it is a good way for me to see my life in print. Instead of doing some navel gazing (hey! what is that lint doing i there?) I thought some screen gazing my guide me on the path to enlightenment (ohm! come on - say it with me! ohm!). Don't really care if I get any hits, this is really just for me, myself and Irene (who IS that Irene?). But, if someone out there in the cyber waves decides to cruise on in, say hi and sit a spell on the back porch with yours truly.

Well, later gators - I need to figure out this whole blog thing and really get this thing together. I promise, the posts will be more substantive than this one (promises, promises - yeah, and I'll call you later, babe!).

HB